Mistaken Identity: Working with Change, Betrayal, and Grief in Chairwork Psychotherapy
Scott Kellogg, PhD, & Amanda Garcia Torres, LMHC
People change; that is the way of the world. But sometimes people change in ways that are so radical and so extreme that it seems like they have become someone else. For the people who love and are connected to them, this can be deeply disturbing, and it can elicit strong emotions – including confusion, anger, fear, and, most significantly, grief. This may be reflected in statements like: “I don’t recognize them anymore,” or “I don’t know who you are, but I remember who you were.” What is called for here, psychotherapeutically, is a special kind of grief work.
With the three-chair Vector model, the patient is invited to sit in or occupy the Heart Chair – which is the place of the emotions. Two chairs are placed a few feet away at a 40-degree angle; they will embody the Past Self and the Present Self of the changed person, respectively (see Figure 1 below). The patient will then be invited to speak with and express their feelings to each of the “persons” who are embodied in these chairs. Technically, we are Splitting the Object which means that we want to now understand the alienated person as two separate people. Perhaps counterintuitively, the ability to psychologically and emotionally conceptualize and relate to the other person in this way is at the heart of the healing. The goal of the work is to grieve and, eventually, say goodbye to the Past Self and to come to some kind of new relationship with the Present Self – which may include the rejecting and/or terminating the connection.
Figure 1. Vector Dialogue – Past Self and Present Self
In our work, we have seen four, somewhat overlapping, situations or narratives in which this kind of work might be considered; these are (1) Developmental and Time-Based Changes, (2) Tragic Loss, (3) “Tragic Loss”, and (4) Betrayal.
Developmental and Time-Based Changes. Developmental disruptions are likely to take place in a family setting – often for parents, but also for siblings, grandparents, and other relatives. This begins with a child who is loved and cherished by family members and who, in turn, is bonded and connected to their family. With the arrival of adolescence, there may be years of tension and challenge as they seek to become themselves and find their way in the world; not surprisingly, this can sometimes be a very difficult and painful experience for the family members – it can also include periods of alienation: “We used to be so close and now they won’t even talk to me.” Nonetheless, if all goes well, they come out of this as an adult who is not only connected to the family, but also is connected, in some way, to the child they once were.
However, things do not always go well. In this case, the alienation and distance do not end, and there is no reconciliation with the family. The adult or Present Self seems dramatically different from the child or the Past Self; they may even seem to not love or even care for their family very much. This rupture can be shocking and traumatic for many.
The Vector Dialogue works in two phases here. The first is focused on the expression of emotions. The patient starts in the Heart Chair and begins by speaking with the Past Self – the self that embodies happy memories and good experiences – to express all the love and positive feelings that they had for that child. This would include sharing remembrances and telling them that they miss them and wish they were here. They then dialogue with the Present Self and express their confusion, rage, and/or frustration at the way they are being treated and/or at the way that they are being rejected. They can also express their desire that the Present Self was different, that they were more like the way they were when they were younger. It is good if they can alternate between speaking with the Past Self and the Present Self many times. Again, one of the goals of this phase is to help the patient have greater emotional regulation by understanding that there are “two people” involved – that the Adult Child is no longer the same person as the Child of the Past.
The next phase is the Saying Goodbye phase. This can be quite daunting, and patients may initially resist doing it. What does this mean? It means giving up the expectation or the hope that the Past Self is still a vital part of the Present Self. It means giving up the idea that if they say or do the right thing, then the beloved part will be present again; it is no longer there. The second part of this is to speak with the Present Self. Given that this transformation has occurred, the patient can decide to learn about this “stranger” so as to explore forming a new relationship with them, while simultaneously feeling less distraught if they are rejected by the Present Self because the loved child is not involved. Regardless of the phase, at the end of each dialogue session, the patient should move and debrief the experience with the therapist.
This can be a very intense process; it is also the core paradigm for the other grief dialogues. Given the deep levels of emotional pain that is involved here, we suggest that clinicians “trust the chairs”; that is, they invite the patients to speak with and share their feelings – especially anger and pain – with the Past and Present Selves repeatedly, session after session, and trust that they will eventually find their way to saying goodbye. This will happen because they will eventually realize that they are suffering from a case of Mistaken Identity, that they have been angry at and speaking with the wrong person because the person that they are missing is no longer here.
This phenomenon of dramatic change has also been reported in romantic relationships. Looking at reports from the internet, a number of men wrote about dramatic changes in women that they had once loved or cared for:
“The person u loved no longer exist. they are still alive but at the same time gone. almost like losing a loved one....”
“It feels like she is now a completely different person, like someone i dont know. Its just a weird feeling that this person who was my everything for 4 years, is now a stranger.”
“My best friend is gone and I'm not even sure she exists anymore. So I'm trying best to grieve that way.” (1)
Tragic Loss. These can happen at any point during the developmental cycle, and they include changes in personality caused by or related to medical conditions, brain injury, drug and alcohol addiction, trauma, and wartime experiences, among others.
The story of Phineas Gage is one of the most famous stories in medical history. In 1848, he was working as a foreman for a railroad construction company that was laying down track in Cavendish, Vermont. He was using a tapping iron to pack gunpowder into a hole when the powder exploded – sending the tapping iron through his eye, his brain, and his skull. Astonishingly, he did not die but would live for another decade or so. What was striking was the change in personality:
“Gage’s initial survival would have ensured him a measure of celebrity, but his name was etched into history by observations made by John Martyn Harlow, the doctor who treated him for a few months afterward. Gage’s friends found him ‘no longer Gage,’ Harlow wrote. The balance between his ‘intellectual faculties and animal propensities’ seemed gone. He could not stick to plans, uttered ‘the grossest profanity’ and showed ‘little deference for his fellows.’ The railroad-construction company that employed him, which had thought him a model foreman, refused to take him back.” (2)
The tragedy of losing the spirit of the person that was loved is terrible and, unfortunately, not rare. The Vector Dialogue can clearly be useful in a situation in which a someone is “no longer Gage.”
“Tragic” Loss. This is a situation in which a person gets much more deeply involved with a new or pre-existing religious, spiritual, political, or philosophical group, community, or movement. This becomes a central focus of their life and an identity of crucial importance. For the individual involved, this may be an experience of great meaning – one in which they are finding a truer sense of self and/or are creating a new identity. In some traditions, people change their names to signify that they are now a “new” person. For them, this is not a tragedy; it may be seen as a great gift.
Nonetheless, for family and friends and those connected to them before this transition, this may be a terrible experience. As their journey into this new world continues, those who are “left behind” may be greatly distressed. At some point, they may also begin to realize that this is not a phase and that the “old” version of their friend and family member – the Past Self – is not returning. In fact, the person may make a determined effort to prevent that from happening or seek to “kill off” that earlier self. Vector work can provide an opportunity for family and friends to speak with the Past Self - to express their grief and pain - and to the Present Self - to express anger, dismay, and horror. These kinds of transitions may involve more of a sense of rupture and active rejection by loved ones than in the previous two situations.
Betrayal Dialogues. In her essay, “Fired” (3), Emily Bernard wrote about her friendship with “Beverly”. They had a close, funny, creative, quirky, intimate friendship for six years and then, one day, she was “fired” – which was the term that Beverly used when she extracted someone form her life. Without reason or explanation, she ceased all communication with Emily. Despite numerous attempts at outreach and repair, Beverly did not respond and, at the time the essay was written, she was still mourning this loss. Her best, but perhaps not adequate, explanation was that Beverly was involved in some difficult inner struggles and the ending of the relationship was connected to that – to the turmoil in Beverly’s internal world.
Betrayal is a rupture. Whether romantic, financial, or something else, it is shocking and it is violent. The victim now lives with a new calendar – life before the betrayal and life after it. With the previous dialogues, there was a goal of being able to have some kind of positive connection to the Past Self; that is not the case here. Again, we will want to “trust the chairs” and let the process run its course.
As they go back and forth between the Past Self and the Present (Betraying) Self, they may want, as Emily did, to see the behavior as a tragic aberration – a reflection of their friend or spouse or colleague’s external situation or internal unhappiness. In turn, they may want to see it as a more characterological issue or as a manifestation of evil: “As I look back on things now, I realize that you were always jealous of me” or “I didn’t take it so seriously back then, but you were always willing to cut corners.” “I always gave you the benefit of the doubt, and I now realize that was a mistake.”
It is not for us to have a desired outcome here; we can, however, create a dialogical encounter that will enable them to process their many emotions and, hopefully, find clarity and resolution.
In the first three dialogues, there was an attempt to preserve the relationship with the Past Self in the face of the Present Self of the other person; the fourth dialogue involved more of an encounter between the Past Self and the Present Self with hopes that the patient will find a solution that works for them. There is one more dialogue structure that could be helpful as well.
Recovery Dialogues. This is perhaps most applicable to working with family members – especially parents – but it may be useful in other relationships as well. “Growing up, my father was an out-of-control drinker. He terrorized all of us and our home was a nightmare. There were times when I really hated him. When I was twenty, he finally went into recovery. He has been sober for 15 years, and he seems like a different man. He loves my children, and they love their grandfather. He is great in many ways, and there is love between us. I do, however, have memories of childhood and the wretchedness of his drinking.”
Using the same structure, they can go to the Heart Chair and speak with the Past (Drinking) Self and the Present (Sober/Grandfather) Self and see what emerges. Here, there may be some value in preserving the Present Self in the face of the Past Self – which is the opposite of what we were doing in the previous four dialogues. As we have seen before, integration may be the antithesis of healing; the answer lies in seeing them as two different men.
Vector Dialogues provide us with an opportunity to work with experiences of grief and trauma that may be complex and nuanced; “Splitting the Object” is key. This is a very simple yet very powerful Chairwork dialogue form. We suggest that therapists do this work by themselves for a while before trying it with patients. Also, less is more. Inviting the patient to repeatedly alternate between speaking with the Past Self and with the Present Self is the heart of the process and this will help them find healing. It is likely that this work may stretch over a number of sessions, and that is fine. As we have said before, “Trust the Chairs.”
Photo: iStock/Benjavisa
Endnotes
1. Reddit: They just aren’t the same person anymore.
2. Twomey, S. (January, 2010). Phineas Gage: Neuroscience’s Most Famous Patient. Smithsonian Magazine.
3. Bernard, E. (December 1, 2006). Fired: Can a friendship end for no reason? The American Scholar.